The End is Near

We're about to get really real in here. Let's talk nipples. Yep, I'm going there. In the last 16+ months, I have had a few times where nursing has been horrifically painful. The first weeks, which is natural as the body adjusts and your nipples get calloused and toughen up for the year ahead. Then when I had a milk blister. It was horrible, and you can read all about them here (http://kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/nipplebleb/). Again, when she went through a growth spurt around 9 and 12 month marks. Now, at 16 months, I fear my child is trying to bite my nipples off.

She is both teething with a molar and must be going through yet another growth spurt at the same time. I'm bleeding, cracked, and the skin is literally peeling off the tip of my nipples. The outer later of skin on the tip of the nipple has turned white around the edges of the bloody scabs and I have teeth marks that are not fading or going away. She's been latching funny lately, and is "nipple nursing" where she only takes the nipple just between her teeth, and sucks so hard while biting down with both the top and bottom teeth, that I feel like I've had my nipples in a vise. I imagine the sucking sensation helps alleviate the pressure in her mouth from the molar coming in.

To make it worse, since this has now been going on for 6 days, the breast tissue around the nipple is so sore that wearing a bra is painful. Wearing anything is painful. But, I can't parade around without one at work, or even at home (she'll then think it's time to nurse). The pain is so severe, that I have lost the ability to tell if it's from the raw skin, the teeth, or just from the bruised breast tissue. I can no longer distinguish if she's nursing correctly, or not. It feels like white hot lightening every time she latches, and like I'm being electrocuted throughout the nursing session. The nights are the worst, since she still wakes frequently, refuses to go back to sleep without nursing, and wants to stay on the breast for hours at a time.

I have come to the very sad conclusion, that this may very well be the end of breastfeeding for me. I had hoped to let her self wean, which had been going well, especially with me at work 40 hours a week. However, I had planned to keep nursing her to sleep, and upon wake up, as long as she wanted it (and wished that she'd just start sleeping through the night and not need to nurse to go back to sleep). Clearly, that isn't working out. The pain is too intense. When you're crying while nursing your child to sleep, trying to bite back any sobs of pain so that she'll just. go. to. sleep. Then you know you are in a losing battle. I'm so not emotionally ready to be done, but I think physically I'm at the end of my rope.